India is blessed with the abundance of talent across all walks of life. Sadly, not all get to see the bright light & achieve the fame, which they truly deserve. Others, however, can turn anything into gold by a mere touch. Unfair, right?

Mahendra Singh Dhoni is probably the most well known name in India today. The captain of Indian team, who, with his ‘Midas’ touch, has managed to win everything that any Indian would has ever desired. Cricket World Cup, T20 World Cup, Number 1 in Test match cricket and the elusive wins outside the Indian subcontinent to name a few. This guy has gone further than any other Indian captain has ever been. However, does he deserve all this praise? My answer: HELL NO!

Strangely enough, the experts haven’t talked about his wicket-keeping skills. Numerous catches have been dropped in the last couple of years and still, nobody questions his technique. Having said that, his record behind the stumps is remarkable but is a wicket keeper in the team only to catch the balls once the batsman lets it go? Whatever happened to cheering up your bowlers? What happened to cheering up the team? What happened to ‘Aai ga’ ‘Shabbash’ ‘badiya hai’ chirps caught by the stump mic? Why is it that MSD smiles/shows happy emotion only when he has taken a good catch? Wicketkeepers are supposed to be the energy force behind the bowling team, where has this disappeared in the last few years? MSD is capable of all the above, and yet, everything seems missing from his game.

It’s an understatement to say that MSD is not the same batsman as he was during his initial days. The flamboyance has disappeared. The genuine passion for the game, which dripped from his face, is missing. Failures have taken a toll on him and he is now struggling to put forward his usual brilliance on the field. There is no doubt that MSD is an exceptional hitter of the cricket ball, why is it that he hasn’t done it often enough? Why has a butcher turned into a sheep farmer? I understand that at times, the team requires you to construct a cautious innings. Only at times. As a batsman, there are only a handful of innings that he has played to change the course of the match, and most of it, came when he wasn’t the captain of the team. We have seen his infamous ‘helicopter’ shot more in commercials and less on the field. I was an admirer of his attacking play (I still am), but its heartbreaking to see him lose that aspect of the game so early in his career. Yes, I do believe that he has a long way to go, provided, he gets back to being the MSD that took the world by storm.

Dhoni’s captaincy has not changed from day 1. His mantra is pretty simple; let the players do what they desire as long as they bring the positive results. It sounds good till things start to go south! Since 2007, when he took over the captaincy, there are hardly any noteworthy performances by him on field. They say, ‘Captain must lead from the front’, how often have you used this term for MSD since 2007? Infact, at times he has done things, which no international cricket should do: Choosing domestic cricket over international games. Two years in a row, MSD has taken a break from international cricket (Against WI & England) citing ‘overload of cricket’ as the excuse. Why didn’t he sit out of IPL if he thought he was getting burnt out? Agreed that IPL is all about the money & glamour, but at what cost? His policy, “players at this level know their responsibility & should do as expected.” Sounds good to the ears, but how practical is it? Virat Kohli has a documented history of abusing umpires, opposition players, fans & media personnel but MSD hasn’t done much about it – How do I know? Well, what did Kohli do after scoring his first Test century? Yes, BHENCHOD!

Clearly, everything that MSD has believed in, has failed miserably. Seven straight Test match losses are enough proof. As a cricket fan, I don’t mind the losses; I mind the manner in which my team lost – Repetitive mistakes, no planning, zero inspiration/motivation, unwillingness to improvise and lack of fight. This is unfathomable; especially from a team which was World Number 1 just a year back.

I have no qualms about players endorsing different brands, admit it, nobody minds some extra cash. Hell, I enjoy watching the IPL and passing comments on how stupid these players look in different commercials. Having said that, I am sick & tired of feeling let down by the team that, in an ideal world, should beat the crap out of most opponents.

As any other Indian, even I have certain suggestions for Captain Fantastic:

• If you have cherished all the praise & adulations given to you by the media, learn to take all the criticism as well. It is a shame to hear you talk about quitting the game when the team is in the gutter.
• People like Kohli & Shreesanth are immensely talented and as the captain of the team, it is your duty to help them channelize their energy in the right direction.
• No more ‘he plays like that and we can’t do much about it’ statements for players like Sehwag.
• Adopt the Steve Waugh method of being shrewd with the bowlers & make them learn the basics of batting. It was pathetic to see Zaheer Khan throw away his wicket every time he walked in to bat in Australia.
• Stop the BS about constructing the innings; you are at your best when you destroy the opposition’s bowlers. Do it!

I am not a Dhoni fan, but even I believe that he has it in him to help Indian team bounce back & be the world leaders in the game of cricket. It is safe to say that his honeymoon period with the media is over, it is time for harsh realities & he needs to grow a pair and face it like a man. Domestic fixtures like IPL & CLT20 are good on the eyes, but that’s precisely where their importance ends.

On that note, here is a question for all: Do you think Dhoni would have secured his position in the team for so long if he weren’t the captain?

Let me start by saying that Sooraj Barjatiya has ruined the entire ‘wedding experience’ for the bride and the groom. Agreed that its fun for everyone to sit back & watch a million dance performances by the family & friends, but it has become increasingly impossible for the married couple of sport the fake all the fucking time.

I have just returned from a three-day wedding, which makes it four weddings this year – including mine. As is the custom with most weddings these days, an entire resort was booked to accommodate the guests. I must add here that it was one of the most well made & maintained resorts around Bombay. Having said that, I question the money spent on the overall ‘experience’ provided to each individual who was there to bless the happy couple. They could have bought a small country with that money.

Anyway, coming back to the wedding & it’s ever evolving ‘rituals’. With time and a number of Bollywood movies, the whole concept of weddings functions has changed drastically. The basic concept remains the same, but a lot many layers are added to it to enhance the core meaning. Layers are bought by money, the more money you have, deeper the bond between the couple (Bullshit!). Just like any Barjatiya movie, every wedding has a lot many characters. At times, too many to remember. This is my humble attempt at listing down these characters, incase you don’t fall in any ‘category’ then consider yourself as the forgotten one.

The Fathers.

These two gentlemen are the real deal. Hard men, who have seen the world and know the right from the wrong. Sadly, they can’t do shit about the wrongs during the wedding. To think of it, both the fathers aren’t that different from each other (Unless there is an ego battle ‘cause of an inter-caste love marriage). They are the foundations of the weddings, making sure that everything is smooth and flawless. However, there is one distinct difference between the two legends: Bride’s father will walk across an entire football field while talking on the phone with some dude trying to sell him credit cards. You see, he is in the can-not-be-rude-to-anyone mode. On the other hand, Groom’s father merely shakes/nods his head to show his approval. He is the king of this jungle, bitch!

How to spot Bride’s father: The only person at the wedding who has his hands glued together with Fevicol. Also known as Manmohanji’s clone.

How to spot Groom’s father: The dude who is smiling from ear to ear and has everyone laughing at his shit jokes. You need to respect him like Congress respects Soniaji.

The Mothers.

Do not, even for a slight moment, think that the two ladies are friendly with each other. This is the closest that they ever get to face the war. No words, no signs, no gestures, nothing. This is hottest cold war you shall ever witness. No matter how busy the mother is, she will always make a point to check out her ‘enemy’ with a microscopic perfection. Having said that, apart from the war, there are other battles to be won for these women. Groom’s mother is a winner by default. Yes. It’s as simple and pathetic at the same time. Nobody dares to win against her, not even the king of the jungle, ie. Mr. Groom’s Mother’s Husband. But irrespective to everything, Bride’s mother goes away with the ‘Strongest women on the planet’ award post the wedding. She goes through all the possible shit behind the curtains and yet manages to glow like a queen and smile like a shy princess.

How to spot Bride’s mother: She is the first to lose her voice amongst everyone present at the wedding.

How to spot Groom’s mother: You don’t deserve to be at the wedding if you don’t know her. This is serious, yo!

The Bride’s Family.

Here is where things start to get weird. Most of the elders are in-charge of the hospitality & stuffing all the desserts down every baraati’s throat. The male members do a fantastic job of it, but the females ignore everything and get busy with the gossip or singing random wedding songs. The so-called youngsters are responsible to amuse one and all (Ya, right!).

How to spot Bride’s uncles: They are always the first to get ready and stand at the entrance behind Bride’s father.

How to spot Bride’s aunts: They never smile.

How to spot Bride’s cousins: Everyone making a fool of themselves on stage by pretending to dance to a highly expensive choreographer’s tunes.

The Groom’s Family.

No movie is complete without the villain, enter groom’s family! Weddings will lose its charm if not for these creatures. Charm = Misunderstandings, unwarranted demands, highly mediocre behavior & utter disrespect for the other family. For some unknown reason, they feel that they own the Groom and have the right to dismiss the Bride’s family with complete disdain. Their only intention is to criticize everything at the wedding, including someone else’ ability to criticize. It’s true.

How to spot Groom’s family: They’ll tell you. Also, you’ll keep hearing “Hum ladke waale hai, samjhe?”.

The Bride’s Friends.

Probably the most excited bunch of people in the entire wedding. The phrase ‘Baigaani shaadi mein Abdullah deewana’ is tailor-made for them. For no rhyme or reason, each one suffers from high blood pressure and anxiety attacks. Women are known to lose shit loads of weight during the wedding while the boys are often seen trying their best to shoulder the burden that Bride’s father/brothers/uncles have, only to fuck it up beyond any repair.

How to spot Bride’s female friends: They can be found standing/sitting/eating/giggling next to the Bride. These women are apt for Vicco Termeric adverts from the 1980s.

How to spot Bride’s male friends: Easy! They cry in the bathroom after a scolding from one of the family members. Funnily enough, most of them act, walk, talk & look like Sreesanth.

Groom’s Friends.

They are the most chilled out lot of the decade. Nothing/nobody matters to them for as long as they have alcohol and food on their table. To be honest, very few even know the function timings and venues. Two things matter the most to them: A, Mini-bar & B, Swimming pool.

How to spot Groom’s friends: Erm, why bother? They are as good as the extras behind Hrithik Roshan or Katrina Kaif. You know they exist but nobody really cares.

Good ‘ol Mr. Perfect.

There is always one person from each family, often an eldest member of the family, who is extremely particular about the muhurat, rituals, tradition, respect and similar notions. They are probably the only pure hearted people who, unfortunately, are often misjudged under any/all circumstances. For reference, Google Amrish Puri’s character in DDLJ.

How to spot Good ‘ol Mr. Perfect: Your soul will shiver the moment you look them in the eye.

The Groom.

This dude should ideally be the center of attention for most of the functions but, sadly, never gets the due credit for being one of the only two reasons behind this circus. It’s safe to refer to him as Rahul Dravid of weddings. He manages to sport the near perfect smile even though he is shitting bricks in his silk pants, and mind you, he has been continually shitting bricks in his pants ever since the engagement date was announced.

How to spot the Groom: Dude with the most expensive clothes but moves around like a headless chicken.

The Bride.

She is easily the most talked about individual during the wedding. For some unknown reason, every girl has a dream to get married in the most perfect manner possible and thus, she has been planning for her wedding ever since she was 5 years old. Yes, dressing up Barbie dolls was just an excuse to perfect the color combinations for the attractive themed events during her wedding. Having said that, most often than not, she goes away winning all the awards. Yes, she is the SRK of weddings.

How to spot the Bride: Well, DUH!

Now that we have all the core characters fixed, it’s time to add the layers and transform these dates into something unforgettable for the couple. Read: Show off your social status while making your children a scapegoat. I know I am wrong in judging people for the money they spend on weddings, but dude, if you are going to invite me, you are giving me the right to criticize you as well. Consider me as family. I have seen weddings where people have served cuisines from each continent, made by the best of the chefs from each continent. Parents have insisted on getting the flowers flown down from Spain. Wine has been specially packed & delivered from the French countryside. Event planners from London have flown down with their entire crew to organize a wedding in a small part of Rajasthan. Imagine a fashion show during the Mehendi function because the designer has designed the couple’s dresses for free or watching Ricky Martin perform at an Sangeet function. (Both the scenarios are true and have been witnessed with sheer disbelief by yours truly)

My point being, if weddings are all about bringing two individuals together, then why not keep them as the only reason to celebrate. Why create a noise about the venue, star performers, alcohol, costumes, jewellary or the profile of guests involved? I am yet to attend a wedding in the past 5 years where the couple had everything as per their whims and fancies. Agreed that the family is an important part of the whole process but that doesn’t give them the right to choose the perfect manner in which the couple should be married.

Ps: I haven’t mentioned anything about the Pundit ‘cause I think they are the biggest assholes on this planet. How else can you define an individual who takes money to bless a couple? No further comments on them.

Pss: It’s high time that people stop blowing ridiculous amount of money over such private affairs.

Psss: Few of my closest people are wedding planners and they agree with the above-mentioned point.

Unfortunately, every actor and director in Bollywood has carved a comfort zone for himself or herself & very few dare to step out and risk their market record. Imtiaz Ali is no exception. Four movies. Four love stories. Having said that, all his movies have been ‘different’ and yet had a similar underlying theme, “You don’t find love, it finds you.” Well, I maybe wrong but that’s my take on his movies so far.

Rockstar, for me, is all about passion. It’s a man’s journey from being a complete nobody to an international icon only to realize that he never wanted this dream to come true. It’s about a woman who has everything and yet feels empty from inside. It’s about journalist who would go to any level just for the ‘front-page’ story. It’s about a friend who goes to lengths to protect his eccentric friend. More than anything, it’s about people living their whole life fighting just to run away from themselves.

Moments before the intermission, my wife whispered, “Is this a no-interval movie?” No, not because she was bored, but, because she couldn’t believe the pace with which the movie was moving forward. I shared the exact same emotions. Barring few scenes, I thought the first half was excellent. Sadly, the second half couldn’t maintain the same pace and almost like a mandate for Bollywood movies, it became slow and sappy!

It’s not an original movie by stretch of imagination. You see Rose & Jack when JJ/Jordan (Ranbir Kapoor) taunts Heer (Nargis Fakhri) of being Miss. ‘Neat & clean’ and then helping her live the ‘other’ side before her marriage. You also see Bella & Edward (from Twilight) when Jordan belongs physically incapable of staying away from Heer and she starts living off his presence and unconventional behavior.

I was highly disappointed with A R Rahman’s music till I saw the movie. He has delivered a masterpiece and you need the whole package to experience the beauty of it. Each & every song has a different feel and it has been wonderfully captured in the movie.

There is something really likable about an Imtiaz Ali movie. Fourth time in a row, he has made people sit up & take notice of the characters on the big screen. He has the ability to keep the star name off camera & convert them into the solid characters he believes in. Also, it takes tremendous efforts and courage to sell a love story without using the four-letter word even once.

Nargis Fakhri looks delicious even during the weakest moments in the movie; her acting skills are non-existing. This is not such a bad thing considering a certain Katrina Kaif is ruling the industry by doing exactly the same.

Now, let’s talk about the real Rockstar. Ranbir Kapoor. Forget the disastrous debut. Forget the off-screen persona. Forget the rich heritage. Say hello to the next superstar of Bollywood. I can bet my house that Ranbir Kapoor can and will be the biggest star that this industry has ever seen and the reason is simple, he doesn’t need to act to be a good actor. He is the Hrithik Roshan of dance. He is the Amitabh Bachchan of crisp & clear dialect. He is the Ajay Devgan of intensity. He is Salman Khan of charm. Acting seems as natural as breathing for him and that makes him extremely believable. You are forced to believe him when he screams in pain. You want to believe him when cries at the realization of losing his everything. You do believe him in the last scene when he has nothing left, except a glimpse of someone who has left this world and became hers forever.

Special mention needs to go for Mohit Chauhan. I can’t imagine any other singer who would have done justice to Rahman’s music and suited Ranbir’s character. Infact, if I were Ranbir, I would have only Mohit Chauhan sing all the future songs.

Rating: Watchable.

Notes:

• Bollywood needs to rethink the strategy of selling foreign destinations. There was absolutely no relevance of including Prague as a destination; the same could have been pulled off with any other location.
• PVR needs to rethink its strategy of making money during intermission. 25 minutes are way too much for anyone to digest!
• Second half could have been half an hour shorter & still would have left the same impact on the audience.
• I had goose bumps during the ‘Saada Haq’ song.
• I am gay for Janardhan Jakhar!

First and foremost, let me congratulate you on creating the biggest ‘product’ in the history of Indian cinema. I call Ra.One a product simply because it’s not just about the mind-blowing (literally) experience you have provided in the theatre. It’s about the constant & consistent torture we have been through, ever since you started ‘dreaming’ about taking Bollywood a ‘step ahead’.

I have never been a fan of your acting skills except for maybe three movies. First (DDLJ) when I knew nothing about cinema or acting. I just wanted to be Raj Malhotra, not because you inspired me to be a better person, but because I wanted to get laid and my acne-prone face combined with zero conversation skills was just jealous of your onscreen persona. Second & third (Swades & Chak De) are probably your best movies till date. To be honest, according to me, you were incredibly believable in the movie only because you chose not to be yourself and stopped your gimmicky acts.

Having said that, I have been the biggest fan of your marketing skills. You, Sir, are a beast when it comes to doing justice to the product you endorse. Nobody, and I mean nobody, can do a better job than you at providing value for money to your investors. If you ever think about conducting lectures on marketing & promotion skills, I promise I’ll even pay to be there. (Provided it’s affordable, which I highly doubt.)

Anyway, that’s all in the past. The present belongs to you and Ra.One (The movie, not Arjun Rampal).

I’ll be honest; I was forced to watch your movie. I tried my level best to get out of the evil plan conspired by my mother & my wife, and I failed. But, as they say, at times, there are blessings in disguise. I am glad I went for the movie. I have learned a lot & contrary to the popular opinion, I found many social messages hidden in this epic movie.

I loved the way in which you summed up the reasons behind the global recession. You did it in the very first scene. The investors & stockholders should lose money if they invest without the thorough knowledge of what they are investing into. It was great to see big-chested Shahana Goswami talk in Hindi in front of foreign delegates and then watching them jump around like bunch of schoolgirls about a technology, which evolved a decade ago!

You then went on to show the power of dreams. I thought that the longhaired girl, who acted as your son in the movie, was exceptional. For me, she was the real star of the movie. I was surprised to know that she wasn’t the director of the movie.

I can’t even begin to express my joy when I saw Kareena Kapoor. No, not because she looked like the yummy white butter made from fresh milk, but for her first few dialogues. It’s been long since someone took a stand about woman’s empowerment in Bollywood commercial movies. Her strong desire for eradicating all the abuses directed towards mothers & sister and starting a new trend with cussing the fathers & brothers is applause worthy. Also, considering the fact that you have promoted this movie keeping in mind the children of today’s India, it makes perfect sense to teach them the art of cussing from an early age. Terms like, Iski lee, Uski lee, Sabki lee, Condom-condom, Bhai ka bhocha, Tere baap ka poda etc would have definitely made a strong impact on the young minds. Bravo!

I wondered at first, as to why would you change your look so drastically that the audience would fail to even recognize you? Slowly, I understood the reason. You wanted to give hope to the many millions who have no etiquettes, lack common sense and are downright cowards with zero self respect but still desire to nail a hot chick. The specially designed pubic hairpiece was a masterstroke. Your South Indian accent was unreal but what was most noteworthy was the fact how effortlessly you forgot about the accent & spoke in fluent Hindi in most of the scenes. Also, I loved the way you butchered Michael Jackson’s steps in front of your children; a fitting reply to someone who did “BAD” things to these little angels.

In your earlier movies you have ventured with the thought of loving your family but in this movie, you have hit the nail right on the head. It’s all about keeping your children happy. The way you listen to your son & went out of your way to fulfill his unrealistic & almost stubborn demands was incredibly…erm, believable. If it were me, I would have slapped the little rascal and grounded him for days. Again, young minds watching this movie would have benefitted a lot by seeing your son banging the door on your face or calling you a coward in the middle of the road and getting away with it. It makes me really happy to know that the young India will now use the same language with their parents to get their work done. Wow!

You, Sir, have given out the gutsiest possible reply to the world. Not only did you outsource the music to the Americans, you followed it by mocking the black singer in one of your songs. This, to me, is the best example of India shining. We are not dependent on any of the first world countries; we have massive egos and even bigger bank balance to back it up. You have made me really proud. Thank you!

Most, if not all, of us fear death. But dare I say, I’m looking at it from a completely different perspective ever since I have seen your movie. I am thinking of canceling my insurance policies & other investment plans and buying a robot clone. If your movie is to be believed, a wife can get over her husband’s death even before the glycerin is wiped off her face. A child can forget about his father’s death and move on with life as long as he is given a ‘cool’ video game for company. Infact, the ungrateful child will value, respect & accept the game far easier than he ever did with his father. Question, why didn’t you approach Fast Track for merchandise for these ‘We move on faster than the speed of light’ sequence of events in the movie? Also, it was incredibly brilliant of you to show that different religions can co-exist. Just two scenes & all the bitterness go away; Kareena was shown sprinkling the ‘ash’ after they have buried your dead body. Marvelous, I tell you!

I admire the manner in which you kept your audience guessing about the true origin of Kareena’s character. Her sudden Punjabi accent in the second half threw me off a little but I figured that you were probably hinting that we should remain true to the country rather than from specific states. Hindi is our national language and the accent should not matter. Infact, we should keep changing our accents as often as possible. Fuckin ace of a thought!

Needless to say, only a genius like yourself could manage to keep Arjun Rampal a secret, not just during the promotions but also, throughout the movie.

This movie is a giant leap for the special effects in Bollywood. Without a shadow of a doubt, Ra.One is the best-animated movie I have seen under any Indian banner. My only disappointment was Chitti. I thought you could have ridiculed Rajnikanth slightly more by making Chitti look even shittier. It’s clear that you tried your best, but I think you left some room for improvement. Also, what was wrong with that Chinese dude? Why was he acting like a machine once he was transformed into a machine? I mean, shouldn’t a new comer like him take notes from you and learn that even machines must have feelings and hamming expressions? He showed some potential but failed miserably by playing the role of a machine absolutely perfectly. Sigh!

As I mentioned earlier, you make every penny worth the troubles. Nobody could have even dared to show so many Hollywood movies in less than 2 & half hours. I mean, you stopped the train like Spiderman, saved your heroine & brought her to ground likeBatman, had a big hole in your chest with a fitting energy source like Ironman, protected the mother/son like a Terminator, rode a Tron bike and displayed a hero/villain rivalry straight from the Gerrard Butler movie – Gamers. Everything, in the price of one. Just one Bollywood movie encapsulates six of the biggest Hollywood blockbusters. Take a bow, dear writers!

I ended up spending around Rs. 1000, which seemed a lot at that moment. I was pissed, but soon after reaching home, I realized that the overpriced tickets were really your biggest contribution to the society. I did some mental calculations and realized that in Rs. 1000, I would have bought 200 cigarettes, which, in turn, would have reduced my life by 36.5 hours (yeah, one cigarette reduces life by 11 minutes).  By watching your movie, I lost only 2.5 hours of my life. So, technically, I gained 34 hours of my life. All thanks to you!

Last but certainly not the least, I would like to thank you for answering the oldest question known to mankind. “How many lawyers/presidents/cricketers/musicians/monkeys does it take to change a light bulb?” Answer is simple, it takes only one, yesONE, Rupees 150 Crore dreamer who mouths songs by an International artist, romances Arjun Rampal disguised as Kareena Kapoor, invades the privacy of a billion Indians, gives crap a new definition and runs to the banks laughing like a true Baadshah.

Finally, I sincerely hope that the following groups of people watch your movie:

>  Aspiring MBA students.

• I am not sure what most management colleges teach, but you have surely taught one of the biggest lessons to these young boys and girls. It’s simple; the end product does not matter as long as everyone is hammered with non-stop promotions. You need not have any concept to the promotions as long as you can buy out each & every medium of branding. The age old saying is indeed true, “paisa fekh, tamasha dekh.”

>  Salman Khan & Akshaye Kumar loyalists.

• If they thought that nothing could get worse than Tees Maar Khan or Bodyguard, you came along and proved them wrong. I have the utmost respect for you for enforcing the fact that there is always scope for improvement.

>  Aspiring Bollywood writers.

• I sincerely hope that these guys watch your movie on repeat mode. Hopefully, they’ll choose another profession unless they have enough contacts to find themselves a big star to promote their movies or easily get ‘inspired’ by other movies.

>  Koreans, Japanese & Chinese nerds

• These guys are doing it wrong. I hope they watch the movie & learn that creating the most complexed game & then bringing the characters to life is, in reality, a child’s play. All you need are four fancy screens with Matrix screensaver, ability to hit keyboard without typing anything and most important, an understanding mother like Kareena.

>  People who doubt their gut feeling and drift in life

• I knew for a fact that this movie will be a big torture the moment I saw the first poster printed on the very first day of this year. I knew for a fact that the movie will break all the existing box office records without being a good cinema. I knew for a fact I will regret watching this movie. Unfortunately, I gave in to my family’s emotional drama and saw your ‘dream’ on big screen. I hope my experience is a lesson to those who doubt their gut feelings and start following their heart rather than the bullshit that surround us at all times.

Notes:

• You looked the best for precisely 2 minutes & 20 seconds. It was during the promotion of Don 2.
• Kareena Kapoor can be my chammak challo, anyday!
• The loudest laughter during the epic was for the new History channel advert shown during the intermission. It featured Salman Khan.
• I may have completely misinterpreted the movie thanks to my heavily diminished intellect.
• You have lost a lot of loyal fans but have gained me, a new believer of “What doesn’t kill you; makes you stronger.”
• This is not a movie review. I am not as educated, qualified or paid as Taran Adarsh.

Finally, I would like to say that everyone should watch this movie as thousands of people have worked endlessly on making this product, a reality.

Thank you, SRK. Thank you so very much.

When I was 21, all my friends were already half way through their postgraduate degree. The only person left was my best friend; incidentally he was the reason why I applied for a job immediately after my Computer Science degree rather than approaching different colleges for two more years of torture and pain in the classrooms. Ironically, he applied for an MBA degree as well. I was left alone. Not literally, but you know what I mean.

At this point I did exactly what any sensible guy would do, I quit my job and bought the admission forms for the same college where he had applied. Two months of hardcore preparations followed & I was ready to ace the entrance exam. But as everything else in my life, there was a twist to this story as well. Yes, it was my father who brought this twist, along with some ice cream. This was probably the first ‘talk’ that we had. After a lengthy heart to heart, I was left with one question and one advice: “Where do you see yourself after twenty years?” | “Life is simple, do not complicate it.”

I answered the question by not attending the entrance exam & taking another two months to figure out what I really wanted to be in my life once I am old and wrinkly. I kept it simple and answers poured in with immediate effect. I didn’t have the precise answer but I did get a good idea of my future.

I figured that I wasn’t meant for a 9-5 job. I wasn’t meant to follow instructions. I wasn’t meant to work for people who didn’t value my potential. I wasn’t meant to be someone else!

At 22, I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life. A reputed company offered me a job at 6000 rupees per month. I took it. I learned the tricks of the trade from the best in the business, I learned marketing from a genius, I learned client servicing from a master and I learned to value money from a Sindhi!

At 23, I quit. I quit being an employee. I quit being a small fish in the ocean. I bought myself a small pond and became its Lochness Monster. All this was possible because I knew that there was enough business for everyone. No exceptions.

I became greedy. I became selfish. I valued people based on their social status & bank balance. I had a set definition for the ugly, face or personality. Money mattered more than people’s feelings and their expectations.

250+ ‘friends’ attended my 24^th birthday. Everyone I could think of was there. I was happy and I was drunk. Infact, I was stoned beyond recognition. When everything settled early in the morning, I found only 5 people around me, my best friends from college. Yes, they were still there, helping me back on my feet and carrying me home. Everyone else had left. Everyone else had a great time at the party but didn’t give a shit about me!

I didn’t go to my office for couple of weeks post my birthday. I didn’t feel like meeting anyone. I didn’t want to meet anyone. I just wanted some peace. Unfortunately, I thought women, drugs & alcohol would help. Wrong choice. Wrong fucking choice!!

Thankfully, common sense prevailed and I gave away my pond to the newest shark in town. I finally changed my laptop’s wallpaper, which for few years had read, “It’s better to burn out than fade away”. I didn’t want to fade away but I was too young to burn out.

What followed was four years of bliss. I traveled. I met each & every member in my extended family. I met strangers. I striped myself of every pleasure I bought with money. And I did everything I had missed out on because of studies and later, work. More importantly, I was keeping it simple!

At 28, my bank balance hit rock bottom. I was happy in life but I was broke! So, I dug myself another pond. Back in business, back to the usual rat race. The only difference was that I didn’t lust for materialistic things anymore. I was in love with life and everything that made it beautiful.

Today, at 29, I am happy. I am not content with life, but I am happy. I have a wonderful family & excellent bunch of friends. Hell, I even have a dog. More importantly, I finally have the answer to my father’s question. In twenty years from now, I’ll be dead if I don’t live today!

Cricket, for some, is an amusing waste of time. For others, it’s a hobby they like to stay updated with. Some look at it as a sour dream. And then there are those who are ready to hurl at a mere mention of the game. For me, it is a way of life.

I was introduced to the fascinating world of Cricket in 1995. As always, my father was the reason I paid attention to the game. You see, unlike today’s generation, most of us looked up to our parents & did things to impress them and make them smile. We did have our dreams & goals in our lives but at no point hurting or crushing our parent’s hopes were a part of the plan. I never thought that a random question by my father would actually change the way I will look at life from that point on. His question was about Murlidharan being called a ‘chucker’ by an Australian umpire during the Boxing Day test match in 1995.

Till that day, I never had any hobby; I was too busy with my studies & adjusting in new neighborhood/school. Father was in the Indian armed force & got transferred to a new location every couple of years. This made me an introvert, as I didn’t see any reason in making friends or hanging out at new places in town. Sooner rather than later, I was made to go through the whole process again. Thankfully, cricket became my new friend. It became a person who would stick by me irrespective of my location. It was my funny, interesting, exciting & more over, exhilarating friend. Every day it would throw a new challenge, ask me questions & then show me a way to make things work. Time and time again, it has proved the age-old clichés correct.

“Where there is a will, there is a way” | “Luck favors the brave” | “When the going gets tough, the tough gets going”

In 1996, barely three months after getting thrashed around by the mighty Australians, Sri Lanka won the Cricket World Cup. Their players were questioned after the Australian tour. Their integrity was on the line. Result? 8 games: 8 wins! They topped the Group stage, partly because Australia & West Indies refused to play them citing security concerns. Sri Lanka’s biggest challenge lay ahead when they found themselves against the now favorite Indian team in India’s favorite stadium in front of over 100,000 screaming fans supporting the home team.

This was probably the biggest game in the history of Sri Lankan cricket. One man stood up & silenced everyone. Aravinda De Silva, known as Mad Max, kept his cool & outplayed India and repeated the same against the Australians in the Final. Man of the match in back-to-back games. He believed in himself & was rightly supported by his team members.

1996: I was 14 and was learning very quickly from my new best friend. I was looking forward to challenges in life. I was looking forward to face my nightmares.

“There is no short cut for success” | “Don’t lie, cheat or steal” | “Patience is a virtue”

Mohammad Azharuddin & Ajay Jadeja were the cricketing idols for many millions. They played the game with beaming smiles, termed as the best fielders in the Indian team, they made way to many hearts with their flamboyancy on the field. One was the most successful captain in the history and the other had demolished many attacks and earned a tag of a ‘finisher’. These two gentlemen were widely respected & accepted as the influential figures in the cricketing arena. In 2000, they were found guilty for match fixing. A prompt life-ban was put on both & they were thrown out unceremoniously. World cricket has seen many such examples since this episode; some were shocking while others were shoved under the carpet.

I have always wondered why would anyone risk his/her name & fame, which took years and years of hard work & dedication. I am still wondering.

2000: We had shifted to Bombay a year back. Smiling came easy & making friends was not a task anymore. At 18, there were options of going abroad to make a good living (Family business) without any further education. Easy money never seemed so easy before. I chose college and till date it remains the best decision of my life.

“What goes up, must come down” | “Nothing is permanent” | “Never assume”

For over three decades, West Indies ruled the cricketing world. Everything about them was grand. Big bully batsman, fierce looking bowlers, Nonchalant all-rounder & above all, big-hearted fans. Sadly, I only saw the glimpses of their brilliance as most of the legends had retired from the game. But, watching players like Brian Lara, Carl Hooper, Courtney Walsh, Curtly Ambrose & Shivnarine Chanderpaul was enough to imagine the rich heritage of their cricket. These men played with flair & pride. They played for the love of the game. Till date, no other team comes anywhere close to the West Indians for the passions for life & cricket.

After dominating the game for years, they were on a rapid downfall. Lack of support systems, retirement of cricketing legends, bad pay structure & above all the ignorance towards their opponents were the main reasons behind their failure. Late 1990s & early 2000s were probably the harshest on their cricket. The super heroes were mere mortals now and were getting mutilated on every soil. Everyone expected them to bounce back like the old times but paid no attention basic rule of good planning & preparation.

2003: At 21, I was stepping out of my teenage life & discovering the real meaning of life. No more air castle, only the brutal realities waiting to pounce on me. I was ready!

“Nothing but the best” | “One must earn respect” | “Records are made to be broken”

Australia was the new West Indies of the cricketing world. Three World Cup wins. 16 consecutive test match wins. 10 years of dominating each & every opponent in each & every game. Champion bowlers. Champion batsmen. Champion wicket keepers. Champion team. Even on their off days, Australia was better than most teams playing at 100% potential.

The new age Australian cricketers took bench strength, fitness level, support staff and mental integration to a completely new level. They didn’t like to lose. They didn’t want to lose. They did everything to be a winner. Every year. Every month. Every week. Every hour. Australians went about their business of being winners with the same dedication, hard work & courage. Amazingly, they showed the world that life away from cricket was just as exciting & entertaining. Brett Lee sang, Mathew Hayden cooked, Shane Warne played poker & Steve Waugh made homes for children. No matter what they did, they did it like champions.

2007: I sold my share to my partner & bit adieu to our two-year-old company. After living my life in school, college & office; I was finally ready to embrace good things that this world had to offer. I had never known my family till then, nor did I travel much for pleasure. All the wrongs were rectified without any further delay. I was finally free at the age of 25.

“Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value.” – Albert Einstein

Indian cricket has seen many legends in its rich history. Some deserved every bit of the fame, while some were gifted the throne by the media. One person, however, never received the due credit for his never-ending pursuit of perfection on the cricketing field. He lived, unfortunately, in the shadow of other legends. If there ever was one Indian cricketer that everyone took for granted, it was Rahul Dravid. In the remarkable career (Since 1996) there is only one match where he was fully credited for his performance (Vs Australia at Adelaide in 2003-04). For me, Rahul Dravid is best Indian cricketer of all time.

“Failure is success if we learn from it.” – Malcolm Forbes

Born with a silver spoon, he followed his passion for cricket with utter disdain. After his prolific performance in the domestic matches, he was given a chance to play at the highest level. One game & few rumors of him not being a team man, he was dropped from the team. Sourav Chandidas Ganguly took all the criticism in his stride & emerged a stronger player. He stormed in the Indian team after 5 years and never looked back. In his twelve years of International cricket, he created many records & became the most successful captain in the history of Indian cricket. If not for his aggression & optimism, Indian team wouldn’t have been the champions they are today.

“Winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing.” – Vince Lombardi

Steve Waugh is probably the most influential & successful captain in the history of the game. He infused confidence & the winning passion in his team to make the world champions for over a decade. Mind games were his specialty and he always lead with example. He truly won everyone’s respect by winning everything that stood in his way. Post retirement, he has won many hearts by working in a foreign country for the needy.

“A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him.” – David Brinkley

As I mentioned earlier in this article, I would have been oblivion to the perks of this sport if not for Muttiah Muralitharan. From being called a ‘chucker’ and facing a ban from cricket, this man went on to break all the records of the game. The highest wicket taker in Tests & One day international, ‘smiling assassin’ is easily the most successful bowler of all times. Always smiling and trying to give his 150%, Murali has been the epitome of the ‘spirit of the game’.

2011: Today, I have everything I dreamed of at the age of 18. After numerous failures in life, I am finally in my happy place. I am married to a beautiful woman & have the most loving and caring family. Professionally, I wouldn’t trade my place with anyone in the world. More importantly, I have all my priorities straight.

I am evolving every day and I owe it all to this wonderful game called Cricket.

“Wake up, Arya.” She said, as she made her way to the bathroom.

“Close the damn curtains.” Screamed Arya, hiding his face under the pillow. His head was still hurting from last night’s fight.

“Wake up! It’s already 11 and we have to reach Jatin’s house at 12!” Vanita blurted out while brushing her teeth.

“2 minutes, Mom.” Said Arya, as he tried to reach for his watch.

“I am not your mother & if I was, I would have spanked your sorry ass for messing with those idiots last night.” She was now sitting next to him on the bed. Still brushing her teeth.

“What the fuck! Go to the bathroom and brush your teeth. Gross!”

“Why? You didn’t have any problem with my open mouth last night, did you?” She said with a cheeky grin, walking back to the bathroom.

“Shut up! You are disgusting.” He sat up & looked around for the cigarette packet.

“I know I am disgusting.” She gargled. “And isn’t that why you love me?” She said as she blew a kiss to him.

“Blah blah blah. You talk too much. Come here & give me a kiss.” He smiled.

“No! We are getting late. I am taking a shower. Please take Joy for a walk, and give him milk from the fridge.” She closed the bathroom door only to open it and quickly walking towards him & planted a kiss on his forehead. “I love you!”  She said as she closed the bathroom door again.

“I love you too, Mrs. Vanita Arya Rathore.” He murmured as he lit his cigarette & walked out of the bedroom.

Seconds turned in minutes and minutes into hours. He stood there flipping the channels, ignoring the barks of his beloved dog. Light breeze was now causing him to shiver underneath the wet clothes. He smiled and fell on his knees. Water was dripping from his hair and tears from his eyes.

Slowly, he crawled towards the wall & screamed, scaring away the dog. His face was now soaked in his own tears and blood. His hand was cut and bleeding profusely. He looked around for a familiar face. There was none. He was alone.

Crying & shivering, he curled up and slept on the floor. With every breath, he was hoping that this nightmare would end with the morning sun.

I am angry.
I am frustrated.
I am worried.
I am confused.
I am aimless.
I am someone else!

Often, I question myself and get no reply. Everything looks the same and yet seems unknown. Familiar voices don’t make much sense. Lingering feeling of being sick despite a perfectly good health.

No drastic pulse in the recent past, which could have made me change so much, or atleast, nothing that I could remember. Maybe the lack of alcohol in my body was causing me to hallucinate. Maybe it was excruciating pain of saying no to drugs. Maybe my rusting idle mind was playing tricks on me. Maybe it was nothing.

Someone was laughing… AT ME! Who? I don’t know.

I found myself at a hospital, with my father. India’s best cancer hospital, or is it India’s best Private cancer hospital? I think it’s the latter, maybe not. We, the people, often relate below standard, time consuming & complete worthless service only with the government run organizations; This place, however, takes the cake with the cherry on top, or under the table in some cases. I couldn’t spot a single staff member under 40; be it the frustrated ‘over friendly’ doctor, hyper ‘laidback’ receptionist, horny ‘snobbish’ ward boys or the sexless ‘motherly’ nurse. They might be below 40; maybe this place makes them look old, ugly & heartless. This hospital is capable of infecting any perfectly healthy individual purely by its smell and/or depressing walls. Maybe it’s their business strategy. Just when I thought I had my hands full with life, I get this new ‘reality’ thrown at my face. My father is diagnosed with lung cancer.

Someone screamed ‘Take that you sucker’ and walked off laughing his heart out. Who? Screw it!

There is nothing worse than spotting pain on your father’s face. For you, he was the strongest man in the entire world. For you, he could do no wrong. For you, nothing can ever scare him. Now, he wouldn’t even look in your eyes, lest you find his fears.

The best you can do at such moments is keep your mouth, eyes and mind, shut. Keep telling yourself that it is nightmare & it will be over soon. That’s precisely what I did. I zoned out.

‘Hi I’m Rose, what’s your name?’

For few moments I forgot everything; no anger, no frustration, no confusion, no hate, only peace! The most beautiful creature on this hideous planet had made her way to my right. Ballerina shoes, hair pulled back neatly, toy mobile in hand, dressed in a cute pink outfit; she looked like a princess. I think she was one. Her smile blew me away. I had to smile back at her. She didn’t wait for my reply but made sure I couldn’t take my eyes off her as she ran from one corner to the other. I wasn’t alone; everyone had forgotten their problems and were smiling at this bundle of joy. She didn’t care; She was busy making faces at the staff members – almost taunting them to catch her. She introduced herself to everyone in the room without bothering for a reply. She laughed with all her heart and love all the attention. This went on for about 5 minutes before her mother escorted her to the doctor’s cabin.

‘Bichari ko brain cancer hai… I don’t think she’ll be around for her 6th birthday’ said the man sitting with my father. 

I couldn’t believe my ears. I refused to accept it. SOMEONE THAT SMALL & HARMLESS DOES NOT DESERVE THIS! I wished that I could trade places with her.

Whistle followed by a sadistic laughter. Didn’t see anyone. Didn’t need to. I knew who it was!

Rose occupied my mind for the rest of the day and I kept wishing for ‘trade’!

Another sadistic laughter! Why now? What for? I was only wishing good for someone. All I wanted was to take place so that she can lead my life. Nothing! Silence! Clear mind! Selfish mind! Criminal mind!

Without even realizing I had wished the worse for that poor girl. She was living the way she wanted, she brought a smile to everyone, she made them forget their woes for that brief moment, she was loving the attention, she was smiling, she was happy! Look at me – I hate everyone, detest every emotion, happiness eludes me & I’ve even forgotten to smile.

She was merely losing her body while continuing to live in everyone’s memories – I am dead and nobody even realized it!

Dated, June 2011.

My father is cancer free for three years. Rose passed away in April 2009.

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

I’ve tried and tried and tried and failed. I’ve never failed in my life except when it comes to you. I hate you for neglecting my entire existence. Time and again, you have broken me down & left me doubting myself. I never asked for any commitment. I never asked for more than a moment. All I ever wanted was to be with you, once. Yes, only once!

I still remember how beautiful you looked when we first met. I never thought that something so perfect could exist in this world. But, there you were, proudly standing with that ugly man who loved all the attention he received because of you. I just stood there, marveling at you, while you smiled naked, obliging for the cameras and sets of ogling eyes.

I have wanted you for as long as I can remember. Why do you do this to me? Why do you mock me and laugh at my expense? Why wouldn’t you tell me that we are not meant to be? Why do you give me hopes when I muster the courage to move on? Why? You sleep with millions but choose to ignore me, why?

You have made me an addict. A hope-addict. Every single day, I hope that you would change your mind and come to me. Every single day, I wish that I had enough in me to move on. Every single day, I realize that I have to have you, whether in this life or the next. Every single day, I see you, in reality & in my dreams. Every single day, my hate for you increases many folds.

I know you are enjoying every bit of my misery, but get this straight. No matter how much you resist, I will get you and you will be mine.

Till then, I’m going to drink & pretend you do not exist.

I hate you, six pack abs. I hate you.

(I wrote this article for a dear friend. Please visit www.talktothewall.in and experience the awesomeness called Manavi)