An open letter to SRK.

Dear SRK,

First and foremost, let me congratulate you on creating the biggest ‘product’ in the history of Indian cinema. I call Ra.One a product simply because it’s not just about the mind-blowing (literally) experience you have provided in the theatre. It’s about the constant & consistent torture we have been through, ever since you started ‘dreaming’ about taking Bollywood a ‘step ahead’.

I have never been a fan of your acting skills except for maybe three movies. First (DDLJ) when I knew nothing about cinema or acting. I just wanted to be Raj Malhotra, not because you inspired me to be a better person, but because I wanted to get laid and my acne-prone face combined with zero conversation skills was just jealous of your onscreen persona. Second & third (Swades & Chak De) are probably your best movies till date. To be honest, according to me, you were incredibly believable in the movie only because you chose not to be yourself and stopped your gimmicky acts.

Having said that, I have been the biggest fan of your marketing skills. You, Sir, are a beast when it comes to doing justice to the product you endorse. Nobody, and I mean nobody, can do a better job than you at providing value for money to your investors. If you ever think about conducting lectures on marketing & promotion skills, I promise I’ll even pay to be there. (Provided it’s affordable, which I highly doubt.)

Anyway, that’s all in the past. The present belongs to you and Ra.One (The movie, not Arjun Rampal).

I’ll be honest; I was forced to watch your movie. I tried my level best to get out of the evil plan conspired by my mother & my wife, and I failed. But, as they say, at times, there are blessings in disguise. I am glad I went for the movie. I have learned a lot & contrary to the popular opinion, I found many social messages hidden in this epic movie.

I loved the way in which you summed up the reasons behind the global recession. You did it in the very first scene. The investors & stockholders should lose money if they invest without the thorough knowledge of what they are investing into. It was great to see big-chested Shahana Goswami talk in Hindi in front of foreign delegates and then watching them jump around like bunch of schoolgirls about a technology, which evolved a decade ago!

You then went on to show the power of dreams. I thought that the longhaired girl, who acted as your son in the movie, was exceptional. For me, she was the real star of the movie. I was surprised to know that she wasn’t the director of the movie.

I can’t even begin to express my joy when I saw Kareena Kapoor. No, not because she looked like the yummy white butter made from fresh milk, but for her first few dialogues. It’s been long since someone took a stand about woman’s empowerment in Bollywood commercial movies. Her strong desire for eradicating all the abuses directed towards mothers & sister and starting a new trend with cussing the fathers & brothers is applause worthy. Also, considering the fact that you have promoted this movie keeping in mind the children of today’s India, it makes perfect sense to teach them the art of cussing from an early age. Terms like, Iski lee, Uski lee, Sabki lee, Condom-condom, Bhai ka bhocha, Tere baap ka poda etc would have definitely made a strong impact on the young minds. Bravo!

I wondered at first, as to why would you change your look so drastically that the audience would fail to even recognize you? Slowly, I understood the reason. You wanted to give hope to the many millions who have no etiquettes, lack common sense and are downright cowards with zero self respect but still desire to nail a hot chick. The specially designed pubic hairpiece was a masterstroke. Your South Indian accent was unreal but what was most noteworthy was the fact how effortlessly you forgot about the accent & spoke in fluent Hindi in most of the scenes. Also, I loved the way you butchered Michael Jackson’s steps in front of your children; a fitting reply to someone who did “BAD” things to these little angels.

In your earlier movies you have ventured with the thought of loving your family but in this movie, you have hit the nail right on the head. It’s all about keeping your children happy. The way you listen to your son & went out of your way to fulfill his unrealistic & almost stubborn demands was incredibly…erm, believable. If it were me, I would have slapped the little rascal and grounded him for days. Again, young minds watching this movie would have benefitted a lot by seeing your son banging the door on your face or calling you a coward in the middle of the road and getting away with it. It makes me really happy to know that the young India will now use the same language with their parents to get their work done. Wow!

You, Sir, have given out the gutsiest possible reply to the world. Not only did you outsource the music to the Americans, you followed it by mocking the black singer in one of your songs. This, to me, is the best example of India shining. We are not dependent on any of the first world countries; we have massive egos and even bigger bank balance to back it up. You have made me really proud. Thank you!

Most, if not all, of us fear death. But dare I say, I’m looking at it from a completely different perspective ever since I have seen your movie. I am thinking of canceling my insurance policies & other investment plans and buying a robot clone. If your movie is to be believed, a wife can get over her husband’s death even before the glycerin is wiped off her face. A child can forget about his father’s death and move on with life as long as he is given a ‘cool’ video game for company. Infact, the ungrateful child will value, respect & accept the game far easier than he ever did with his father. Question, why didn’t you approach Fast Track for merchandise for these ‘We move on faster than the speed of light’ sequence of events in the movie? Also, it was incredibly brilliant of you to show that different religions can co-exist. Just two scenes & all the bitterness go away; Kareena was shown sprinkling the ‘ash’ after they have buried your dead body. Marvelous, I tell you!

I admire the manner in which you kept your audience guessing about the true origin of Kareena’s character. Her sudden Punjabi accent in the second half threw me off a little but I figured that you were probably hinting that we should remain true to the country rather than from specific states. Hindi is our national language and the accent should not matter. Infact, we should keep changing our accents as often as possible. Fuckin ace of a thought!

Needless to say, only a genius like yourself could manage to keep Arjun Rampal a secret, not just during the promotions but also, throughout the movie.

This movie is a giant leap for the special effects in Bollywood. Without a shadow of a doubt, Ra.One is the best-animated movie I have seen under any Indian banner. My only disappointment was Chitti. I thought you could have ridiculed Rajnikanth slightly more by making Chitti look even shittier. It’s clear that you tried your best, but I think you left some room for improvement. Also, what was wrong with that Chinese dude? Why was he acting like a machine once he was transformed into a machine? I mean, shouldn’t a new comer like him take notes from you and learn that even machines must have feelings and hamming expressions? He showed some potential but failed miserably by playing the role of a machine absolutely perfectly. Sigh!

As I mentioned earlier, you make every penny worth the troubles. Nobody could have even dared to show so many Hollywood movies in less than 2 & half hours. I mean, you stopped the train like Spiderman, saved your heroine & brought her to ground likeBatman, had a big hole in your chest with a fitting energy source like Ironman, protected the mother/son like a Terminator, rode a Tron bike and displayed a hero/villain rivalry straight from the Gerrard Butler movie – Gamers. Everything, in the price of one. Just one Bollywood movie encapsulates six of the biggest Hollywood blockbusters. Take a bow, dear writers!

I ended up spending around Rs. 1000, which seemed a lot at that moment. I was pissed, but soon after reaching home, I realized that the overpriced tickets were really your biggest contribution to the society. I did some mental calculations and realized that in Rs. 1000, I would have bought 200 cigarettes, which, in turn, would have reduced my life by 36.5 hours (yeah, one cigarette reduces life by 11 minutes).  By watching your movie, I lost only 2.5 hours of my life. So, technically, I gained 34 hours of my life. All thanks to you!

Last but certainly not the least, I would like to thank you for answering the oldest question known to mankind. “How many lawyers/presidents/cricketers/musicians/monkeys does it take to change a light bulb?” Answer is simple, it takes only one, yesONE, Rupees 150 Crore dreamer who mouths songs by an International artist, romances Arjun Rampal disguised as Kareena Kapoor, invades the privacy of a billion Indians, gives crap a new definition and runs to the banks laughing like a true Baadshah.

Finally, I sincerely hope that the following groups of people watch your movie:

>  Aspiring MBA students.

• I am not sure what most management colleges teach, but you have surely taught one of the biggest lessons to these young boys and girls. It’s simple; the end product does not matter as long as everyone is hammered with non-stop promotions. You need not have any concept to the promotions as long as you can buy out each & every medium of branding. The age old saying is indeed true, “paisa fekh, tamasha dekh.”

>  Salman Khan & Akshaye Kumar loyalists.

• If they thought that nothing could get worse than Tees Maar Khan or Bodyguard, you came along and proved them wrong. I have the utmost respect for you for enforcing the fact that there is always scope for improvement.

>  Aspiring Bollywood writers.

• I sincerely hope that these guys watch your movie on repeat mode. Hopefully, they’ll choose another profession unless they have enough contacts to find themselves a big star to promote their movies or easily get ‘inspired’ by other movies.

>  Koreans, Japanese & Chinese nerds

• These guys are doing it wrong. I hope they watch the movie & learn that creating the most complexed game & then bringing the characters to life is, in reality, a child’s play. All you need are four fancy screens with Matrix screensaver, ability to hit keyboard without typing anything and most important, an understanding mother like Kareena.

>  People who doubt their gut feeling and drift in life

• I knew for a fact that this movie will be a big torture the moment I saw the first poster printed on the very first day of this year. I knew for a fact that the movie will break all the existing box office records without being a good cinema. I knew for a fact I will regret watching this movie. Unfortunately, I gave in to my family’s emotional drama and saw your ‘dream’ on big screen. I hope my experience is a lesson to those who doubt their gut feelings and start following their heart rather than the bullshit that surround us at all times.

Notes:

• You looked the best for precisely 2 minutes & 20 seconds. It was during the promotion of Don 2.
• Kareena Kapoor can be my chammak challo, anyday!
• The loudest laughter during the epic was for the new History channel advert shown during the intermission. It featured Salman Khan.
• I may have completely misinterpreted the movie thanks to my heavily diminished intellect.
• You have lost a lot of loyal fans but have gained me, a new believer of “What doesn’t kill you; makes you stronger.”
• This is not a movie review. I am not as educated, qualified or paid as Taran Adarsh.

Finally, I would like to say that everyone should watch this movie as thousands of people have worked endlessly on making this product, a reality.

Thank you, SRK. Thank you so very much.