Hello Big boy,
How have you been? Long time, no see. Been a while since we shared few beers & had a conversation. I must admit, I have missed our times together. If I didn’t know you better, I would have thought that you don’t value our friendship anymore. Anywho, let’s not make this about me, this is about you.
Last we spoke, couple of years back, you were talking about finding a new life in a new country. How is that thought treating you? Are you still looking forward to shifting to Australia or that small town in Europe? No, right? I knew it. You don’t have the balls to leave this country and lead a happy life. You will forever be stuck in this fabulous country, where corruption is the main religion. I still don’t understand why you wouldn’t use your money and bribe everyone to get the work done. You give too much importance to law, hardwork & ethics. It’s all bullshit. Its time you start following our national leaders & chill the fuck out.
Talking about chilling the fuck out, how is the family doing? Still worried about the upbringing of your future children? The safety & security of the next generation is still bothering you, isn’t it? You will never change. Today, you have the access to all the fantastic doctors who can guarantee you a son. You need to realize that, in this country, you don’t have to worry about anything as long as you don’t have a daughter. Besides, why would you even want to have a daughter; they are nothing more than a liability. Sons, on the other hand, are excellent investments. I’m sure you don’t agree & will throw your common sense at me, but dude, who needs common sense in this country? You just have to make sure that your son stays away from Chinese food, that’s a sure cure for all rape-ish thoughts. Get rid of common sense & its an easy life. Try it. (For more, talk to the marvelous men from Khap panchayat. They are awesome!)
Are you still reading this? Oh, good. I needed an advice. I was reading about the crores-worth welfare parks & stunning elephant statues propping up in some parts of the country. What do you suggest, should I use my tax money to buy a new car or invest in a new property? Or should I take family for a luxurious trip around the world? Or maybe, I should buy jewellary for the wife. Tough choices. Oh wait, I almost forgot, you are the one who believes in paying due taxes to the government. The same money, which is later shipped to Switzerland & is never seen again for the betterment of the country. Hehe. Idiot!
You really thought that I would ask you for an advice? That’ll be like asking you how to spend time without news channels & daily-soaps on the television. You have a comment about that too, don’t you? I knew it. You think that today’s media will sleep with you if you show them some money. You think that they are ignorant dicks who have sold their souls to the devil. You think that news channels are biased & that they don’t report the complete truth. You think that they pick up stories & then hype it up purely to gain good ratings. You think that these daily-soaps aren’t based on true life, and that women don’t dress up like a Christmas tree every freaking day. You think vamps & backstabbing people don’t exist in every family. You think that watching Bigg Boss is not good for children. Well, Sir, you think wrong. You should leave all these imaginary thoughts & come back to reality. Everything we see on the news channels is true & nothing is completely unbiased. Daily-soaps are mandatory for every individual’s personal growth. Our children don’t need funny cartoons; they need to see blood, violence & brutal deaths.
You need to relax my friend. Spend more time on the wonderful world of social media. Facebook & Twitter are a great way to stalk random people & then report them to the authorities. It really doesn’t matter what you report them for, because, once you accuse someone for ill-treating your religious believes, it’s for them to prove their innocence. What? You don’t believe me? Go ahead and read the IT laws. They are made to help you, to help you get rid of all the people you have grown to dislike. Use it. Also, please don’t treat these platforms as a medium to express yourself; someone will report your ass to jail.
Incase you don’t fancy social media, try watching some Bollywood movies. Enough with your desires of wanting a crisp script, sound logic, acting talents and originality in the movies. Look at the box office returns of movies like Ek Tha Tiger, Rowdy Rathore, Housefull 2, Jab Tak Hai Jaan & Bol Bachchan. All have crossed the 100 Crore mark. What more can a viewer ask for? These numbers say everything about the movie. Your demands are wrong and baseless. It is high time you become a part of the herd & enjoy these epic movies.
Also, I must point out that you need to start believing. Start believing in the constitution of religion. Your concept of one God is just stupid. How can one God treat the whites, blacks, brown & yellow people, equally? How can one God allow you to eat meat & then stop others from doing the same? How can one God be responsible for 7 billion people? People are not stupid to follow religion for thousands of years. People are not stupid to kill those who don’t believe in their God. People are not stupid to vote for politicians based on caste & religion. People are not stupid to not help other religion, lest it helps the overall growth of mankind. People are not stupid, You are! And hey, God accepts bribes too, just call it ‘chanda’ or ‘donation’.
I hope I was able to knock some sense in your stubborn head. Life is easy, don’t complicate it. Jai Hind, Jai Maharashtra.
PS, posting this letter for all your friends too as most of them are following a wrong path in life. I hope you idiots learn & start trusting our distinguished leaders.
PSS, Before outraging, have your daily dose of sarcasm.
PSSS, Don’t drink & drive.
– Your conscience.